1) Son went to a state school 3 hours away from home. Got kicked out after 4 semesters for academic reasons. Never told us. Claims now that it was because of too much partying. I paid 5th & 6th semester's worth of tutition to the school, but son set up his student account refund into his bank account, so since my payment resulted in a massive credit (no charges applied to the account) all that $$$ got refunded/deposited into his account.
2) Son didn't make any efforts to transfer or get re-admitted.
3) Son picked up full time job at a Bank as a teller.
4) This all unraveled last week. Right now we would be in the 6th semester.
5) Son is signed into an apt lease at state school until June. -- $400/month is his share.
6) He racked up $5k in credit card bills. Used my tuition money to pay off his credit card bills. Lots of money still unaccounted for.
Right now, all I'm looking for is advice on how to teach him about money. Kicking him out of the house is not a consideration. I've brought him home to enroll in a local community college for this semester. Ultimate goal is to get him back into the state school (they have a re-admission process). However, I need to reform him in the next few months before he would (possibly) go back.
I know this may not be the best forum to post this, but you guys usually have good advice on financial stuff, and further, you all have probably been successful in teaching your kids about money. I realize I did obviously not instill good financial values (among others) in him, so I don't need to be convinced that I messed up. Looking for strategies GOING FORWARD.
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Excellent summary:
Father paid tuition but kid just pocketed the cash since he'd been kicked out of school already. Father didn't do a good job raising the kid and is about to compound the problem by metaphorically suffocating the kid. Father will not accept any advice such as "let the kid grow up", "take off the mittens", and "kick your son out to the curb". If you are to contribute, acceptable feedback solely consists of ways to help the father dig his claws into his son further and screw up the son's life even more. Thanks. All done. Oh, and the kid likes beer too.
Don't forget Hookers and Blow!
How to con your helicopter parents for fun and profit.
Message edited by: lray on 2010-02-10 01:04:29 CST
Obviously cut off all support. Give him the option of moving back home and living under your rules, or finding his own way to put a roof over his head. It's not kicking him out, but anything lighter than this basically reinforces that he can screw up, blow your money, and still have a comfortable safety net. FWIW, my sister chose option #2, and she's turning out pretty well now, including a college education. So it's not to say that he has to pick option #1 in order to have things work out.
He's going to have to make restitution on the money, too. Work something out where he pays you back, interest free, from his part time job's wages. Don't take it all, but at least half.
1) Son went to a state school 3 hours away from home. Got kicked out after 4 semesters for academic reasons. Never told us. Claims now that it was because of too much partying. I paid 5th & 6th semester's worth of tutition to the school, but son set up his student account refund into his bank account, so since my payment resulted in a massive credit (no charges applied to the account) all that $$$ got refunded/deposited into his account.
2) Son didn't make any efforts to transfer or get re-admitted.
3) Son picked up full time job at a Bank as a teller.
4) This all unraveled last week. Right now we would be in the 6th semester.
5) Son is signed into an apt lease at state school until June. -- $400/month is his share.
6) He racked up $5k in credit card bills. Used my tuition money to pay off his credit card bills. Lots of money still unaccounted for.
Right now, all I'm looking for is advice on how to teach him about money. Kicking him out of the house is not a consideration. I've brought him home to enroll in a local community college for this semester. Ultimate goal is to get him back into the state school (they have a re-admission process). However, I need to reform him in the next few months before he would (possibly) go back.
I know this may not be the best forum to post this, but you guys usually have good advice on financial stuff, and further, you all have probably been successful in teaching your kids about money. I realize I did obviously not instill good financial values (among others) in him, so I don't need to be convinced that I messed up. Looking for strategies GOING FORWARD.
I hate to say it - but he needs tough love (he stole from you, many thousands of dollars). I don't think you'll be able to reform him because you aren't able to allow him to suffer as a result of his actions.
At least he's in finance now (as Michael Scott would say).
Sounds like he's not ready for college; why waste your money any further? Going forward, let him live his life how he wants. Once he starts paying his own bills for a while, either he'll learn the value of money or he won't. One thing's for sure, he's unlikely to learn the value of money when it's your money he's burning through. If at some point he decides he wants to go to college again, let him pay for it.
He lied and stole from you. These are integrity issues, not personal finance issues. Best way to handle this would be to not give him another dime as a consequence of the stealing. Stay firm on not financially supporting him again, teach him about the value of money by forcing him to work for it.
Talk to him about why he lied, why he felt that he couldn't tell you he got kicked out, etc. Just blowing up on him won't really help, just get all the reasons out of him. Keep in mind that he might just make stuff up, so keep your BS detector on. If he has any integrity left at all, he should come around and try to make amends on his own. If not, you can't force him to have integrity.
I applaud your son for just telling you because I would be too scared to even think about what my dad would say if I got kicked out of school and then burned thousands of his hard earned money to do this.
He needs tough love and I suggest have him go to the community college first. If he is a full-time teller, many banks and credit unions offer tuition reimbursement as a benefit.
You basically cut him off from any education funding unless he completes a full year with a 3.5 GPA or higher.
If I had children and this were one of them, unless I saw definitive repentance from them after having a stern talk and they started a repayment plan to my liking, I think that I would be filing suit in court to force a judgement upon them. I would provide zero support (financial or any other major support beyond food they ate in my house) until I felt they fully learned their lesson. I would try to keep in touch with them and let them know that I am there for them if and when they show me they have learned their lesson.
Side item - this story has now convinced me that I feel safer banking online then I do at my local bank.
bigdinkel said:I applaud your son for just telling you because I would be too scared to even think about what my dad would say if I got kicked out of school and then burned thousands of his hard earned money to do this.
He needs tough love and I suggest have him go to the community college first. If he is a full-time teller, many banks and credit unions offer tuition reimbursement as a benefit.
You basically cut him off from any education funding unless he completes a full year with a 3.5 GPA or higher.
He didn't come out right and tell me. Stuff wasn't adding up and I called him on it.
supercheapy said:bigdinkel said:I applaud your son for just telling you because I would be too scared to even think about what my dad would say if I got kicked out of school and then burned thousands of his hard earned money to do this.
He needs tough love and I suggest have him go to the community college first. If he is a full-time teller, many banks and credit unions offer tuition reimbursement as a benefit.
You basically cut him off from any education funding unless he completes a full year with a 3.5 GPA or higher.
He didn't come out right and tell me. Stuff wasn't adding up and I called him on it.
He still admitted it. No offense, but I hope your son doesn't have any drug or alcohol issues. There are a lot of college kids that unfortunatly get this from partying too hard.
I think Finance is very 'guy-centric', would love to hear opinions from women folk in finance, especially, on topics such as these when close family is involved.
scrouds said:supercheapy said: ...Right now, all I'm looking for is advice on how to teach him about money. ...
Got a time machine?Exactly -- The only reason I'm so damn cheap now is because I grew up that way. My parents were straight poor (food stamps/medicare; legitimately), and while growing up they constantly hammered the value of a dollar in my head. One of my earliest memories was around 3 years old; I was taking the eggs/milk out of the fridge by myself, and I broke 4+ eggs and spilt the milk; I knew we were poor so I remember crying for a good half hour about that one.
It's probably too late to teach your son about money, especially since you're enabling him by giving him a second chance. It sounds like he'll unfortunately have to learn that the hard way. Keep giving him money and he'll just find a way to exploit it.
This is more of a parenting question than a finance one BTW. If it were me, I would cut him off, and the only way he'll be able to get money from me is if he lives at home and shows me his grades every semester.
FuzzyWombat said:He lied and stole from you. These are integrity issues, not personal finance issues.Agree. Is the son now living in OP's residence? What about the apartment lease back in the college town?
Completely agree with sjwaste... It's going to be very hard for you as a parent, to get tough... but you need to reflect on the fact that it is better than the alternative of letting him learn, through experience, that it's ok to walk over you.
The reality of the situation is he did steal and large amount money from you. Frankly, I would love to hear that you pressed charges... but I know that's way easier said than done.
Option 1 - Stay at your home, under much stricter supervision. He works to pay you back while going to community college. Option 2 - no more funding from you. And you should push to have the money paid back anyways, regardless of whether to you expect him to pay or not.
If chooses option 1, great. If he chooses option 2... well, from witnessing friends experiences, I suspect he'll come around within a year or two. Once he realizes the world isn't a party, he'll realize the error of his ways. They key here, I think, is to make sure he learns this lesson by HIMSELF. He is at an age where it will be extremely difficult for you to teach him verbally... he needs to FEEL it.
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